Angry Birthday

Super Boy turned 3 recently. It was all very glamorous with individual juice boxes for our guests and all the Angry Birds swag a person could hope for. To back up a bit, Darlin’ Girl turned 1 in November. We’ve always been apartment dwellers and have never had the pleasure of hosting more than two people for dinner in our short tenure as home renters. We moved into our current place about 3 weeks before Darlin’ Girl was born (I know. I KNOW) and compared to everywhere else we’ve lived, it’s a palace. Three bedrooms, all new everythang, and suicide doors. Just kidding, regular doors. But I feel like a real gangster when I turn the key and nothing is crumbling or smelling like it died in my walls. Naively we decided to host DG’s first birthday party here. Except that we ran out of plates and forks and had to beg my sister last-minute to bring some folding chairs from her basement because otherwise people would have to sit on the floor, eating with their hands. It was a disaster, in short.

For Superboy’s birthday we had no such delusions that we could host a party, especially a fun one for a 3-year-old that needed to include playing and some kind of activity. My Mama graciously offered her home and we took her up on the offer.

Superboy’s favorite thing in the world, in addition to super heroes, is Angry Birds. He loves Angry Birds and by association loves Angry Birds in Space and Bad Piggies and he is shockingly good at these games. Like he has made it through all the levels and figured out all these “cheats” that I didn’t even know existed. And in case anyone is going to get all “You’re a bad mom” with me for letting him play with my phone or my nook, kiss my ass. I don’t have any defense for myself, just telling you to kiss my ass. He knows how to write the alphabet in capital letters, and most of the lower case ones, and he can count to 30 and he makes a mean batch of Pumpkin Gingersnap cookies. He’s clutch, basically, for a 3-year-old and sometimes he needs to kick back and terrorize some pigs.

So obviously I went Googling ideas for Angry Birds birthdays. I got all my decorations at Target, which should go without saying because I buy everything there. Some people go crazy with theme parties but I am pretty lazy so I like to just have one or two show ponies for people to focus on so they won’t notice how badly I’ve failed at everything else. It’s sort of like eyebrow grooming. I don’t really wear makeup anymore but as long as my eyebrows look decent I can get away with bringing my face in public (most of the time).

So without further adieu, please enjoy this Angry Birds photo-bomb and marvel to yourself at how handy my husband is when it comes to character pizza. He just made regular pizza dough and stretched it to fit, then added the feathers on top with extra bits of dough. One of our pizzas was made with Daiya cheese and the others were made with regular mozzarella. He laughed in my face when I brought home turkey pepperoni, which admittedly are the exact texture and taste of Connect 4 discs. He went out to get real pepperoni, the good kind with extra nitrate, and went to town. I am better with baked goods so I made the cake, a chocolate sheet cake with green mint flavored frosting for the “grass”. We used pieces from the Angry Birds board game (also from Target, obviously) as cake decorations because a) they were cheap b) we can use them to play the game after they’ve outlived their usefulness as cake decorations c) I am not about to draw crappy Angry Birds in frosting onto my kid’s birthday cake.

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He helped make the first cake, which we devoured, on the day of his actual birthday. I posted this picture on my Facebook with the caption “At 3, we train them to eat fire.” And nobody even commented or offered me a job as a writer for 30 Rock. I mean I understand that the show is over but at the time an offer would have been nice.

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What birthday is complete without getting stuck under a table, slapping each other, and screaming for help?

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This is the exact moment where I ruined the party. You can see if you look closely one Bad Piggy somersaulting off the side of the cake. I mean I guess I could say the cake is interactive but the truth is, I walked too fast and all the pieces fell off. Story of my life.

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