I finally replaced my broken glasses with some sweet Ralph Lauren ones. They’re huge and square which, oddly, fit my enormous head perfectly. Unlike previous pairs where I’ve looked like I’m wearing a child’s pair, and ended up crying myself to sleep at night on my huge pillow. Don’t get me wrong, they’re not crazy, I don’t look like an American Apparel ad or anything but they’re big enough to be Glasses with a capital G.
I told Husband I thought they might help me in interviews. He said, “Why, because you will look smarter?” and I said, “No, because they are enormous and my interviewer will remember me. “That’s the girl with the huge glasses, they’ll think after reviewing their applicant pool, She is one bold mother fucker.”
And he just kept staring at me without saying anything. I think he was mesmerized by his reflection in my giant lenses.
You know what they say about girls that wear glasses, right? They have to avoid dishwashers, because the steam will fog them up and they get too disoriented to complete the rest of the chores. And also they can’t do any sort of exercises that require them to jump up and down. Because they are too busy reading. They also have to take it easy with the oil cleansing method because um, glasses tend to slide down one’s nose when one’s nose tends to be covered in oil.
The first time I wore glasses, I walked out of the optometrist’s office and cried. I could see everything. I could see leaves on trees, and individual traffic lights, and people’s faces. I was in fifth grade and had most likely been blind my whole life, but had no idea because I had nothing to compare it to. I just assumed I was stupid and lazy when I could never find anything, which was often. After getting glasses I could find ALL the things and I was seeing stuff like a total bad ass.
A couple of months ago my sweet adorable children were jumping on top of me in bed (see: Hop on Pop) and ripped my old pair right off my face as I was trying to will myself awake. They each laughingly grabbed a (just had to Google what the sticks are on glasses, never had to know that word before this moment) TEMPLE and snapped my glasses in half like a wishbone. Well, that woke me up. At first i tried to tape the sticks back on to the lenses but that didn’t work. Then, I lost the sticks and I harvested the organs of an old broken pair of sunglasses, so I was rocking one stick from sunglasses and and on the other side? One, um…plastic fork.
Seriously I was desperate. Nobody can be more disappointed in me than I am in myself so just save your judging for some other time. Also do you like how I chose Ariel to represent my shame? We share a history of inappropriate use of cutlery.
Anyway, point is, I now have a pair of sweet new glasses. Glasses which, I’ll have you know, my own grandmother mocked when she saw them. I had been over her house for about 40 minutes before she realized they were on my face apparently. I turned to tell her something, her eyebrows went up and she said, stifling a giggle, “Are those your new glasses?” and I puffed up proudly and said, “Yeah, they are! I really like them!” and she sort of shook her head, rolling her eyes and said, “Ooookay.” My grandmother, you guys. My Nana.
They’re not that bad, are they?
And let’s not even pretend like I didn’t take 14 terrible self portraits (NOT selfies) before landing on this one. I said, “Yeah, it looks like you are growing a scraggly neck beard, but why don’t you quit while you’re ahead because this looks the best out of all of your attempts.”
I wonder if girls who take bathroom pics go through as much trouble?