Every Job Posting Ever

Are you an independent team player? Are you an expert in your field with glowing references, an open schedule and a passionate desire to work in an entry level position without benefits for the first six months? Do you always smile? Do you want to be a part of an exceptional team and get your foot in the door of a great industry which we expect you to have mastered before you consider applying? Are you a “Whiz Kid”?

Look no further! We are Totally Fictional LLC and we are here to make you doubt the value of your worth as a human being. We are offering $8-$10/hour with the possibility of advancement after 9-18 months.

Qualifications:

– Have at least 6 months, but no more than 1 year of experience

– Have at least 4 professional references. We will be highly suspicious of their authenticity if you do not provide full names, addresses, home and mobile phone numbers and email addresses

– Be able to work in a fast paced environment. We are literally always running back and forth in the office as fast as we can.

-College degree required. We will accept 10 years experience in place of a college degree. Or an Associate’s Degree and 5 years of experience. Or some college courses, or a certificate course, and 7 years of experience. Degree concentration doesn’t matter, neither does the field of experience.

-Interest in politics a huge plus! Respond to this ad with “Team Red” or “Team Blue” in the subject line to represent your preferred party’s colors. Be ready to defend your position in your interview!

Benefits:

– competitive

-commensurate with experience

-TBD

-Negotiable

Required Essays:

-Where do you see yourself 23 years from now? Be specific! Have fun with it!

-Describe the worst thing you’ve ever done in your life or the deepest hurt you’ve caused another person. Be specific! Have fun with it!

We insist on the best! Don’t apply if you’re not ready to totally change our customers’ lives with how passionately and insanely happy you are with our unrealistic expectations and shitty pay. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE. If you call during business hours you WILL be blacklisted. Reply to this add with ONLY “Team Red” or “Team Blue” in the subject line or we WILL call the police. We only accept resumes, essays and cover letters in PDF format. If you send us a resume, essay or cover letter in Word, Open-office, Google Docs, Zoho etc. we WILL issue a fatwa against you.

Due to the overwhelming interest in this incredible opportunity we are unable to respond to every application. We will contact you with a follow up survey if we feel you may be a good match, after which a series of telephone and in-person interviews will be conducted. We look forward to hearing from you!

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